On My Toes

I cut my toenails last week. For normal people, this is an event of utter insignificance. However, I have this problem with ingrown toenails on the big toe, and I guess when you cut your toenails your body says, “Hey, something’s happened here; toenails too short. I’m gonna pick up the pace!” and they start growing faster. For me, that means they grow deeper and deeper into the flesh on the side. Sure enough, a couple of days after I cut them, I could feel pressure on my right big toe that I recognized as the hints of an ingrowth that could possibly blossom into full-fledged toenail irritation.

So Monday morning I called the podiatrist and went in Tuesday. He explained to me my options: remove the edge of the toenail; or remove the edge of toenail AND the corresponding nail matrix so that the toenail is permanently narrower over the toe, which should hopefully ensure that I never get this problem again. I breathed a heavy sigh, and opted for the more extensive surgery.

I had both sides of both toes treated. Each toe was injected with an anesthetic. Then the doc used this tool to pop the edge of the toenail out, and he trimmed it ALL THE WAY DOWN to the nail matrix (where the nail grows from). If I weren’t numb, I would totally be telling him anything he wanted to hear. Instead, I was watching this graphic, bloody surgery with half-interest like it was a television show I’d already seen.

Then he jams these acid-tipped rods to burn away the nail matrix cells, and scrapes it out with a tiny melon baller. And repeats. Three times for each of the four locations.

He told me it could take up to six weeks to heal. And one of my feet did hurt last night enough to wake me up. But tonight — less than 36 hours after surgery — I was wearing my shoes again, walking around pretty much normally. I think I could even run if I needed to.

Wow. Good choice. And I still get the joy of changing the moist bloody dressing once a day, which appeals to some bizarre gross-out animal instinct in me.

Cutting my toenails will no longer induce pangs of dread. A feeling I don’t think I’ll miss.